Okay guys. I hate this journal name, as I'm not calm, and I'm not a cloud. And I can't be assed to deal with rename tokens, so I've moved. I'm

I should learn; as soon as I want something, and plan on having it, it'll all fall apart. And I shouldn't feel despondent and shit, but I do, damnit.

I had plans tonight. Real plans, plans made yesterday when I spoke to Lizzie and was all, 'can we do something sometime this weekend of the out variety, as I am bored of staying in all the time'. Which is true, and was sorta shocking to Lizzie, but I really wanted to do something. Go out, play, drink cocktails, dress up and look cute.

So we made plans - plans to go to a friend of Lizzie's 21st, massive birthday party, on St Patrick's Day, which would be cool. And I was actually going to look half-way decent, and bought tights so I actually had a pair without holes, and lipgloss, and I come back and phone to ask dress code... and she's forgotten. And made plans to stay in with a bunch of girls I don't know. Which sucks.

Gah. And I really was looking forward to it!

I'm not together right now. I'm not entirely sure how to make myself get together. I feel like I need motivation, serious motivation to do something; shake myself out of self-induced stupor. I want to go home, if only to break the monotony, and have things change, but I need to get my head around studying. I'm not sure what to do, at the minute.

So wherever the hell I am... I am seemingly obsessed with horses. I love the stables.

That is all.

I got really, really down. And then I went home, and started riding again, and eating healthily, and just... not working, just chilling at home. Walking my three labs, and watching tv, playing my flute and the piano, and just... adjusting. I was put on anti-depressants, and then went back.

To begin with, things slowly started to get better. I got back into my faith; I was introduced to the CU via 24/7 prayer week, and also how to pray again, and realised the safety net I had there. I went to Eden, and saw people there. I'm still a little uncomfortable, it's still a bit new and raw and scary, but I'm doing better in that department.

And then came this week. I don't know. I recognise the signs of a bad week. I've stressed myself out over applications; I can't motivate myself far enough to email the people I need to. I can't focus on my essays that are due. I'm not sleeping when I need to, and I'm sleeping when I should go to lectures. I'm living in my room. I can't remember the last really social activity I did. I'm hovering on a crying jag. I'm holding onto Fridays, when I ride at the ramshackle stables, and get a good afternoon. I hope it is a good afternoon, that the horse is decent, and rides well, and that it's a good week-end. I need the lift, I need the horses, and I need to be able to communicate without talking.

I find it difficult to describe how I'm feeling, when I'm speaking. I feel guilty, for dumping my problems on the people I'm close to, when they're moving away and dealing with new things. I feel uncomfortable. I know why I'm feeling low today; I was made to rehash some stuff about relationships with a friend, Lizzie. Lizzie doesn't believe me, like most don't believe me, when I say the only male who's ever been interested in me was Raphael. That I've never experienced a guy flirting for the hell of it, never known how to respond if it would happen, and never felt really attractive.

And I've been feeling a lot like people have been moving on. Rob has been distant this past week or so; CU stuff, plus other stuff plus sickness. Katy has been waaay distant this past week, caught up with Malcolm. Alex has seemed distant because I've just not seen her. And Raphael, when I called to check in he was okay, seemed just damn fine. So I guess I'm feeling left behind. But I can't really say this to any of them. I guess I feel like when they do pay me any attention, I'm so completely not-worthy that I'm lucky to get it, and when they don't, well, why should they?

I don't need to be told I'm wonderful, or fantastic or whatever superlative people can dream up. In this mood, I just don't believe it, and it in fact makes me feel even worse because it's something I just can't live up to.

I HATE this. It's one thirty am. And I've been trying to sleep for an hour and a half. I wanted to go to bed at ten, but people in the common-room decided to have a get-together, as they've been doing every. Freaking. Night. And if it's not IN the common room, which is next door - I share two walls with it - then they're in the corridors, crashing doors outside my room, yattering to one another, or on the phone. It's two in the fucking morning. Go sleep!

I moved residence halls so I could sleep. This medication is making me sleep twelve hour nights. The later I go to sleep, the later I wake up.

I tend to get wise when I'm talking to other people. I just can't apply what I learn.

Relationships - people - are as much about you as you are about them. The way you're treated is in direct response to how you expect to be treated, the way you act and behave, and the way you respond. If you allow a pattern to occur, it is as much your fault as it is the other. Far better to risk it, and cause change than remain unhappily in the same place.

Life isn't about judgements. No duh. People will judge you - hell yes, they will, because that's what happens. But if you judge them back, and shy away from their judgement, then you just find yourself with no people, and no circumstances. Don't expect others to get it right; do it right yourself and let them respond to you. Don't be a sheep.


And GOD, I hope I can remember this tomorrow morning.

New Year's Resolutions

*Give up chocolate. Utterly.
*Stick to vegetarianism. It feels healthier.
*Look at the photo of me a year ago. Look at the photo of me at fifteen. Strive for the second and achieve it. I am unhealthy. Accept this, do something.
*Write something, every day.
*Learn to be nicer/more patient/kinder to people. They will surprise me, if I let them
*Don't let the depression kick me in the crotch.
*To study more often and feel less guilty.
*Sleep properly and regularly.
*Try and be happy.

I'm having a series of really bad days right now. For a moment or two, I believe change is possible - and then all I want to do is curl up and die. I hope it isn't too difficult back there, or I don't know what I'll be doing.

I'd forgotten something. Something I knew as a kid.

My dad hit my mother. And I saw or heard.